April 2008 Archives

"Dave!", she screamed from across the crowded bookstore.

I hate it when she talks so loud in public places. It makes me feel so... noticed. I hate feeling like that guy everyone looks at. I hate interrupting coffee shop conversations with a loud voice or a terse scream. She knows this. She senses my discomfort. She presses her lips together, waiting for a response. I close my book and begin to walk towards her, nodding to the young employee who has been raptured by my wife's screams.

"Dave!", she screams again. "Fucking hell, would you please come here".

My ears are burning. I'm aware of every single nerve ending in my body. My walk feels awkward. I'm trying to assimilate the fact that she both swore at me and said please at the same time. Please do not yell again. I want to be home, alone in my misery. "I'm coming", I said from across 2 aisles. I'm in self-help; she's looking for books for the kids. It's the second time in 3 months we've been out together without children. I'm sad. I miss having friends. I miss being friendly.

I'm finally next to her.

"Did you have to yell?", I ask. She is annoyed and looking for a fight. I should have backed off. I didn't mean to accuse her. Just feeling so insecure in this place.

"Did you have to ignore me the first 4 times I called?", she says. She's not looking at me. I'm looking at her ears. I used to kiss those ears. I miss those ears. I miss the way they felt when I first touched them. She's so bored with me. She's so impatient with me. She doesn't want me anymore. She won't admit it, she wants her idea of me. But I'm just me.

I'm just me.

A method of analyzing those portions of the Bible which appear to have been created by an editing process in which redactors (editors, compilers) have combined various source document into the form that we see in the Bible. The Gospel of Luke, for example, is regarded by most liberal theologians as being compiled from the Gospel of Q, the Gospel of Mark, and some independent oral or written material. Through redaction criticism, the theological goals and purposes of the redactors can be inferred. Conservative Christians generally have a dim view of this technique because it impacts on their belief of the inerrancy of the Bible.

Body beats.  I stain my sheets.   I don't even know why.

I Fu#$&* love my dyson vacuum cleaner.  I never thought I would spend that much on a vacuum cleaner.  I never thought I could love a vacuum cleaner.

There it is.  Wide in the open.

I can hear you now.

I'm in my car, driving to work in the rain.

Yes, I can hear you.

I don't want this conversation to go on. I'm tired of the words that keep slipping from my mind to my lips.

Stop talking please.

I made it back to church again this week. Didn't want to go, went anyway. Indifferent that I went. Still feeling tired. Still avoiding the conversation that is waiting on the sidelines to be resurrected.

Damn sidelines.